


unconditional

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, disgusting, seriously soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-13 00:31:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9097591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: The boys talk about their past+++ Aaron presses up close to him, one arm snaking around his shoulders and he presses his fingertips into the short hairs at the base of his skull. It’s something he does when Robert’s stressed, upset, angry, and he hopes it’s soothing, especially when he starts tracing tiny, soft patterns. “I – I know that,” He whispers, nudging his nose against Robert’s temple. “But you don’t tell me anything. I want you to talk to me about this stuff.”“I was so scared,” Robert murmurs, and he lets out a deep breath. He sounds it, even now, like his world is going to come crashing down around him, and Aaron feels it hit home, in his heart, like a kick to the ribs. Like, he knows that Robert has feelings, but he never thought about how he was feeling, because Robert was made up of nothing but pure confidence and cocky smirks back then. “I couldn’t lose everything, everything that made people proud of me. But you – you were there and you weren’t mine but I wanted you to be. I wanted you to be mine but I couldn’t be yours.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! 
> 
> all i really want is to see the boys talking about the past and seeing as emmerdale won't do it, i thought i would!
> 
> 2 parts.
> 
> enjoy xo

"Why did you stay with me?" It's asked so conversationally that Aaron's head whips up to check Robert is talking to him (even though there's no one else in the room). He’s not looking at him, though, just tapping away at the keys on his laptop and frowning like the Word document has personally offended him, like it’s just told him to fuck off.

"What are you talking about?" Aaron questions nervously, like all this talk of feelings and emotions is going to start something neither of them like. If it does, Aaron doesn’t know how to end it. They’ve never talked about it, not really, just the odd comment made during an argument, because it _hurts_ , and it’s something neither of them are willing to dwell on. 

Robert barely glances up from his laptop as he speaks again, but Aaron can see the heat of a blush creeping up his neck. "Before," He says quietly. "When we were... Why did you stick with me? It couldn't have been much fun." The words are hesitant, like he doesn’t really want to talk about it, but they both know this has been a long time coming. It’s not healthy to bottle things up, Aaron’s learnt. He knows that all too well.

The younger man huffs out a laugh and carefully considers his words. "Of course it wasn't much fun. But I figured that if you could carry on with me, then... you didn't love her all that much. That if you could fall for two people, you must've loved the second one more.”

"And that was enough to keep you 'round?" Robert sounds confused, actually looking up this time. His eyes are burning into Aaron's and now he can feel the reason he stuck around. He just can't explain it. He can’t explain how he feels like he’s burning constantly, in a good way, the best. He can’t explain how his skin feels too tight when Robert looks at him in a certain way, or how his bones feel like they’re buzzing when Robert kisses him. 

So he doesn’t. "Maybe I was desperate," He offers. He sounds bitter, feels it, too. He’s not quite over being second best – he should be, he knows that. He’s the chosen one now, he’s the one that’s deserving of Robert’s love, and they’re actually engaged, but sometimes it eats away at the fuzziness around his brain. "Maybe it's because my head was fucked up. Maybe it was because I thought you understood."

Robert sighs, curling one hand around Aaron's wrist. He feels trapped; his heartbeat caged beneath fingers, and his focus sharpens on the simple touch. Skin on skin, pulse on pulse. Robert’s eyes are half-lidded, in the way that he knows is sadness, and he looks up at the younger man through his eyelashes. "I don't want to fight about this," He murmurs. "I wasn't a very nice person back then-"

"Understatement." Aaron mutters. He can’t help himself sometimes; he loses the filter between his brain and his mouth and his words come out like daggers. They rip and tear at the ribbon that joins them, tangles them together, so it’s just hanging like a thread. It’s a coping mechanism, always has been, especially since he stopped using his fists and started using his voice. He hopes that Robert’s learnt to shield himself now, to wear his stab-proof vest and hold Aaron in a way that he can’t hurt anyone. 

“But I’m not like that anymore!” Robert explodes, standing up suddenly. He’s pacing, burning holes in the floor with his size ten footprints, and Aaron can’t do anything but hang his head. “You know I changed,” The older man’s voice has dropped in volume and tone, and his vulnerability is shining through like the sun through clouds. “I hurt you so much, but I hurt myself in the process. I know I fucked up; I know it was bad for you. But you must realise it was bad for me too.” 

Aaron’s thought about it, of course he has, but he hasn’t _thought_ about it. If he plays on it for too long, his scars start to itch and he finds himself reaching for a blade without even thinking. It’s unhealthy, probably, that the sort of start point of his relationship makes him want to cut himself to shreds, but, well, he tries not to dwell. “What do you mean?” He asks in a small voice, because they’re definitely stepping into unsafe territory now, but he has to know all the same. 

“Do you think I just breezed through every decision I made?” Robert counters, and his face is disbelieving. “I didn’t just- just hurt everybody because I wanted to! I was fucking terrified. I had the life that everyone expected from me. I had the woman, the cars, the house, the job. I had everything that everyone wanted for me. I would’ve made my dad happy, Diane was impressed, Vic was pleased… But it still wasn’t enough, was it?” He drops onto the sofa, head in his hands, and he just looks exhausted. He looks like his body’s shrinking, his hands are shaking and his knees are jittery.

Aaron presses up close to him, one arm snaking around his shoulders and he presses his fingertips into the short hairs at the base of his skull. It’s something he does when Robert’s stressed, upset, angry, and he hopes it’s soothing, especially when he starts tracing tiny, soft patterns. “I – I know that,” He whispers, nudging his nose against Robert’s temple. “But you don’t tell me anything. I want you to talk to me about this stuff.”

“I was so scared,” Robert murmurs, and he lets out a deep breath. He sounds it, even now, like his world is going to come crashing down around him, and Aaron feels it hit home, in his heart, like a kick to the ribs. Like, he knows that Robert has feelings, but he never thought about how he was _feeling_ , because Robert was made up of nothing but pure confidence and cocky smirks back then. “I couldn’t lose everything, everything that made people proud of me. But you – you were _there_ and you weren’t mine but I wanted you to be. I wanted you to be _mine_ but I couldn’t be yours.” 

“Are you mine now?” Aaron asks quietly. He’s still feathering his nose; this time along the line of Robert’s cheekbone, his jaw, and the touch is keeping him grounded. Sometimes he gets so wrapped up in his love, in _their_ love, he thinks he can fly away, float up up up until he’s lying between the stars. 

Robert smiles at that, a subtle change, just the lines at the corner of his eyes folding and the roundness of his cheeks becoming firmer, the corner of his lips quirking and his forehead softening, but Aaron can feel it against his skin and in his soul. “I’ll never be anyone else’s.” 

“Don’t want you to be.” Aaron sighs, and he pulls Robert’s face towards him with barely there contact. He doesn’t even hesitate to press a sweet kiss to Robert’s lips, because they’re both so open and raw right now. They’re spilling into each other, bleeding together until they’re the same, issues and insecurities and complaints fusing together until they can’t tell who is who. Their tongues brush, just slightly, and the spark is so white hot that Aaron swears it burns him. 

Robert pulls away from the kiss first, but he keeps their foreheads resting, leaning on each other in more ways than one. His thumb swipes the slightly darker skin under Aaron’s eye, once, twice, until the younger man shuts his eyes and his lashes sweep the callouses. “If I don’t tell you now, I never will.” 

“Okay,” Aaron agrees, putting an electric distance between them. He straightens his spine, preparing for impact, because he’s not sure what he’s going to hear right now. He’s not sure whether it’ll be knives or roses, the glitter of a blade or the spike of a thorn, but he knows that he’ll probably bleed either way. 

“When I fell for you,” Robert starts, but he stops to swallow down the lump in his throat. Aaron does the same, but he wishes that he could take that lump because he’d gladly take twice the hurt to see his fiancé smile, light and happy and free. “When I fell for you, I fell hard. I didn’t even think about it, not really, and when I did it was too late. I couldn’t stop myself. But I didn’t even know why,” He spares a confused glance at Aaron but his eyes soften, like now he does know, like it’s all in that single moment. “I didn’t think men could love men.”

“That’s not...” Aaron interjects, and he can feel his face fall into a frown. He remembers Robert’s denial, his comprehension, and that alone felt like a punch to the face. But he brings himself back to the present, to sitting on the sofa in plain view with glaringly obvious rings on both of their fingers.

“I know. It was stupid, I know, but I was desperate. I knew I liked boys, it’s not like I’d never… But I’d never fallen for a man like that. I’d never fallen for _anyone_ like that,” His voice is quiet and his eyes glaze over like he’s spiralling back in time, and Aaron drops his palm to rest on Robert’s thigh, subtle and calm and silent, a faint reminder that he’s there and listening and loving. “And I couldn’t lose everything, but I _needed_ you. You made me… Well, you made me _me_. Nobody else knew me like you did.”

Aaron tightens his fingers around Robert’s leg, and it’s like a rope snapping him back because suddenly he blinks and his gaze is clear. “I saw through all your shit,” Aaron smiles. “I saw you.”

Robert nods roughly, once, twice, and then he’s harshly wiping tears away from his eyes. “You did. You still do,” He laces their fingers together, and Aaron swears he can feel his heartbeat from the pad of his thumb. “All I was trying to do was protect you. I was trying to stop you from getting hurt and in the end, I was the person that broke you down the most.” 

“Don’t say that,” Aaron says forcefully. His voice is thick and he has to try a few times before the words come out, and he’s almost faltering under Robert’s intense gaze, but. “You saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. You made me talk about him. You _helped_ me more than you hurt me.” 

“You know you don’t owe me anything, right?” Robert says nervously, and he begins to bite the skin around his thumb. It’s a habit, one he hates, so Aaron curls his fingers around Robert’s fist and brings his hand down gently. 

Aaron blanches. “Of course I know that,” It’s not like the thought hasn’t crossed his mind, but it was only fleeting and the result of crass comments from his mum or Cain. He’d shut them down almost immediately, and he’s doing the same now. “You obviously don’t know me that well if you think I’d be with you just because I _owe you one_.”

“Sorry,” Robert murmurs, pulling himself a way a bit. He’s folding in on himself, like he’s ashamed, and Aaron can’t fucking stand to see him like this. It’s just so – so unlike him, so different and stark from what he’s normally like. “You’re way too good for me, you know that?” And then he glances up, and Aaron feels like he’s been punched in the stomach from the way his breath escapes from his chest. 

The way Robert’s looking at him sets his skin on fire. His eyes are liquid, blue seas and golden sand, and Aaron’s drowning – he can say that now, he knows what it feels like. It feels like burning lungs and searing throats, and it’s fear but it’s peace and it’s _calm_ in a way he’s never known before. So yeah, this feels like drowning, but not in the way he was so scared of death. This feels safe; it feels like settling down and living rather than surviving. “ _Do not_ say that.”

“It took me _being shot_ to realise that you’re the only thing I need,” Robert says, and Aaron’s surprised by the strength in his voice. “A fucking bullet ripped through everything I thought I knew, and then I nearly lost you. It took me six months and two near death experiences for me to know that I love you. What does that say about me?” It sounds like there’s gravel stuck in his throat and his cheeks are flushed crimson, like he’s ashamed and disappointed and sick with himself.

Aaron shifts until their thighs and knees and ankles are pressed together, and only then does he pull Robert into a full body hug. “It doesn’t matter what happened, how it happened,” He says, pressing his lips to the shell of the older man’s ear. “What matters is that you love me, and we’re getting _married_ , and you know that I love you too.”

“I know,” Robert sniffles, hiding his face in the curve of Aaron’s shoulder. “Thank you.” 

With Robert in his arms, time in their bubble seems to stand still. The world carries on around them, the hustle and bustle of the pub, the cars screeching through the village, the kids playing in the park, but all Aaron can feel right now is this moment. All he can feel is the warm burst of Robert’s breath against his collarbone, the steady beat of Robert’s heart against his own and the soft sweep of Robert’s eyelashes against his neck. And really, that’s all he needs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u believe i actually finished this?  
> no?  
> me neither  
> it was hard
> 
> enjoy x

Like most nights these days, Robert’s propped up in bed reading a book. Like most nights these days, Aaron’s laying on his side, back facing Robert, having one last look at Facebook.

It’s no different, really, not until Aaron turns and fits himself comfortably against the lines of Robert’s body. He feels like he’s burning at all the focus points their bodies are touching, and briefly wonders if Aaron feels the same. His ankle is burning from the press of Aaron’s toes, his thigh is searing from the curve of Aaron’s hip making dents, and the side of his stomach is blistering from the feel of Aaron’s smooth chest. 

They don’t sleep like this often, not ever, really, because anyone who says they cuddle their partner all night long is a _liar_. Maybe it’s because Robert himself runs about two degrees hotter than the average person, but they both wake up sweaty and sticky and miserable. So they just don’t bother. Sure, they spoon sometimes, mostly when Aaron’s frowning and thrashing and crying in his sleep, but for the best part it’s just an arm slung over a waist and a good foot of space between them.

He drops one hand from his book and into Aaron’s hair, starts brushing through the curls and he’s _content_. He’d never expected his life to be like this, never expected to spend his evenings in bed cuddling his boyfriend, tangled to the point they become the same person. It’s different, sure, but it’s not unwelcome – in fact, it’s the exact opposite.

“I never answered your question,” Aaron says suddenly, breaking the soft silence that had settled over them. “I never told you why I stayed.” Robert’s hand stills in his hair, and he lowers the book. He listens, actually _listens_ , because Aaron never talks about things like this and it’s fucking special when he does.

“Okay…” Robert murmurs. He’s scared he’s going to break that spell, so he tries to keep his breathing as quiet as he possibly can while he continues the soft brush of his fingertips against Aaron’s scalp. He likes to think he’s half decent at comfort, but this – this is new. It’s totally different, and Robert’s not quite sure what he’s supposed to do so he prays to some deity and hopes for the best.

Aaron settles his head against Robert’s chest, lips brushing skin, like he’s just content to listen to the solid beating for the rest of his life. Robert hopes he can hear it, can feel it, knows that the occasional skip and the increase in speed is all for him, for his touch, for the way his nails are lightly dragging across his muscles. “I loved you, but you know that.” 

“Loved?” He teases, shifting to press his lips into the crown of Aaron’s head. He can feel the younger man’s breath drifting across his chest, and his heart tightens at the same time as Aaron breathes out. 

“You know I still love you,” Aaron whispers soothingly, flattening his palm over Robert’s heart. The circles of his fingertips spark and blaze, and the older feels blinded for a moment with the force of his feelings. “But it felt different back then. It wasn’t – not like this. Because now I _know_ and I’m not scared anymore, and I don’t have to stop myself.”

When Robert curls an arm around Aaron’s waist, he’s no longer surprised at how easily he just fits. He used to be, constantly in awe with the way their bodies slipped together, slotted and just _clicked_ like they were made for each other. It’s cliché, he knows, but when Aaron curls himself around Robert’s edges like it’s nothing, his head spins and spins and spins and he just can’t think of anything else. 

“Sometimes you looked at me,” Aaron continues quietly. “And I’d never seen you look at anyone else like that. Not even – not even her. And when you looked at me like that, I felt like that was it. That you’d finally realised you wanted me.” 

Robert breathes out quietly and tightens his grip. “I _did_ want you. I always wanted you.”

And then Aaron’s sitting up, and he looks like an angel – a fallen angel, maybe, rejected from the heavens but still beautiful, glowing, _perfect_. His dark hair is curling down, free from product and hanging like silky, smooth threads, and Robert wants to tangle in it, safe and grounded and secure. “But you didn’t want me _enough_.” Aaron says, and Robert feels his heart in his throat.

“You’ve always been enough. You’re more than enough,” He chokes out, and he’s confused, feels it settling in every crease and every pore. It’s solid, weighing him down, maybe mixed with a little bit of shame and it’s a cocktail that’s so incessantly _him_ that he’s sure Aaron can smell it. 

“But you wanted luxury more,” The younger man says, and there’s finality in his voice and a hard glint in his eyes. Robert starts to panic a bit, because this isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want a fight, didn’t want to start a screaming match. He never wants that, never wants to feel his heart chipping away bit by bit with every harsh truth spat his way. He just wants to _talk_. “And you didn’t want me until you were holed up in your little sister’s room with nothing left.”

Sometimes, when it’s mentioned, the scar and the little cavity Robert imagines is hiding under the skin aches. The scar tissue on his lung, it throbs, and he can’t breathe, with phantom pain and panic and fear. It’s doing that now, but if he’d bother to look at the bigger picture, to accept it, he’d probably realise it’s his entire torso: from neck to waist with a lead block on it, crushed with anxieties and horror, and the nightmare that his world about to come crashing down around his head all over again. It feels different this year, compared to last – this year, Aaron is his world. “I wanted you because I nearly died and I realised I couldn’t waste my life anymore.” He murmurs. 

He’s talking quietly now, taking the approach of calm and tranquil, but Aaron’s clearly not doing the same as the tone of his voice nearly pierces Robert’s heart. “I hated myself,” he hisses quietly. “I hated myself because I didn’t hate you, because even after the mess we’d made I still couldn’t drag myself away.”

“I don’t want to fight,” Robert says, and he knows he sounds weak, feeble, and he feels it too. He can feel his shoulders slump, and he’s just _tired_. “I didn’t do this because I want to argue. Forget it, okay?” And then he turns, facing the wall and definitely not Aaron, and he blinks oncetwicethree times until the tears are finally less of a threat.

“Robert,” Aaron sighs, and Robert can feel him slide down the bed, curling himself around all of Robert’s edges and lines. It feels warm, always warm but right now it feels _cold_ too, like frostbite from stifled bitterness and concealed hurt. “I didn’t mean to… I stayed because I love you, idiot,” The younger man brushes his nose against the curve of Robert’s shoulder, and he can feel himself thawing with each second. “I love you so much, but you can’t deny we fucked up.”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t turn over, but when Aaron’s hand slides over his he tangles their fingers, squeezing like it’s a lifeline. “If I could change it, I would,” He murmurs. “But if we had to do it again, I wouldn’t even think about it. Because despite everything, I still got you.”

Aaron stills then, and Robert finally turns, looking for some kind of sign that he’d said the wrong thing. All he sees, though, is Aaron staring at him, eyes shining with unshed tears, and he frowns. “You’d do it again?”

“In a heartbeat. Wouldn’t you?” He asks softly, reaching up to catch a tear that manages to fall. When Aaron cries, his heart aches. His stomach tightens and his fists clench and his head swims, because all he can think is _protectprotectprotect_. It’s a powerful feeling, but it’s _sad_ too, and he’d just rather see Aaron like- yeah, like that. With his lips curling upwards, teeth glinting in the light, grinning, _grinning_ , with the fine lines round the corner of his eyes and the curves of his cheeks swelling. Like he’s the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ aarobron x


End file.
